We know that laughter triggers healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. That’s why we include random funnies from around town and around the internet… these should give you that smiling boost you’re looking for.
I’m done drinking coffee for good. Starting now, I’m only drinking coffee for evil.
Sometimes you have your life together, and sometimes you find your Clorox wipes in the refrigerator.
I began reading a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.
I used to have a super-organized to-do list on me at all times. Now I just have a camera roll on my phone filled with random screenshots that are supposed to spark some sort of memory for me to do something.
A million kids want to clean up the earth. A million parents want them to start with cleaning their rooms.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how many chocolate chips to use. You measure that stuff with your heart.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Come on… how low can you go?
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She leaned in close and whispered, “they’re behind you.”
I went bald early in life, but I still have my comb… I just can’t part with it.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Don’t look at the sun through a colander. You’ll strain your eyes.
I love seeing posters for lost cats. Your cat isn’t lost, man. Cats don’t get lost. Your cat left you.
Unfortunately there is no lifeguard in the gene pool.
I don’t have all of my ducks in a row… but they’re all in the same pond, so I have that going for me, which is cool.
I met a guy who collects Tic-Tacs. The whole collection was in mint condition.
This too shall pass… It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
Telling a woman to calm down works about as well as baptizing a cat.
If one door closes and another one opens up, your house is haunted and you need to run!
A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.
I’ll never stop being pissed at how expensive beef jerky is.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image. Barbie taught me that you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Arson? Oh, you mean crime brulee?
I’ve been single for long I forgot how to spell relatsingleship.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient little boxes.
Don’t forget to drink water and get sun. You’re basically a houseplant with complicated emotions.
There are two people in every relationship:
Partner 1: “Okay, I have our passports, boarding passes, and car rental reservation.”
Partner 2: “Where are we going again?”
Ask your doctor if 32 pages of side effects is right for you.
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning and I was getting really annoyed, but then I realized my phone was in Airplane mode.
You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You jump off a really high cliff, I yell, “Do a flip!”
Sometimes ·when you cry, nobody sees your tears. Sometimes when you’re hurt, nobody sees your pain. But pass gas in Publix one time …
I thought I was pretty cool until I realized that plants can eat sun and poop out air.
The most satisfying adult sentence: “Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”
I’ve owned about 6,000 bobby pins in my life. How many do I have left? Four. I have four left.
When someone yells, “STOP,” I don’t know if it’s in the name of love, it’s hammer time, or if l should collaborate and listen.
Credit scores are just adult GPAs.
Interested in time travel? Meet here, last Thursday at 7pm.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone.”
