We know that laughter triggers healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. That’s why we include random funnies from around town and around the internet… these should give you that smiling boost you’re looking for.
I’ve finally gotten to the point where my car insurance is cheaper than my phone bill…is this adulthood?
Medical advancements in eye treatments are getting better. In 2 ½ years we all all have 2020 vision.
Things I have in common with a raccoon: Dark circles under my eyes, stay up all night, eat lots of junk, a little chubby, will fight you if provoked, and possibly rabid.
Do not accept friend requests from Hormel. It could be Spam.
Maps app: “Drive time one hour and 55 minutes. You’ll arrive at your destination at 6:54pm.”
Me: “Challenge accepted.”
Wouldn’t it be ironic if you choked to death on a Life Saver?
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.
Threw some protein bars in the trash and now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbor’s Great Dane in the backyard.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels and they are at a rave.
Gatorade used to taste like winning soccer games. Now it just tastes like hangovers and regret.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate pizza before it was cool.
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
And God said to John, “come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.” But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
If your cup is only half full, you may need a different bra.
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
“Just trust your gut.”
Pal, I have anxiety. My gut is literally always telling me to abort mission.
50% of marriages end in divorce. 100% of pizza deliveries end in happiness.
Pizza: 1
Love: 0
You haven’t experienced true heartbreak until you’ve been thinking about leftovers all day and come home to find that someone ate them.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks … I’m in public.
Phonetical doesn’t even start with an “E’ Stuff like this is why aliens fly right past us.
I never understood why old people say, “be good” when leaving. Nope, I can’t do that Susan … already planned a riot, a few stabbings, and a bank robbery.
Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do things. It is called a garbage “can” not a garbage “can’t”
Clothes that are too dirty for the closet but too clean for the laundry: Welcome to THE CHAIR.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: Skim milk. .. which is water. That’s lying about being milk.
Waitress says, “say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with Parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m pre-stressed. I’m stressed about the stress that I will be stressed about in the future.
If the earth were truly flat, cats would have knocked everything off of it.
Just ate some organic pancakes. Or sand dollars. Hard to say, really.
Surely not everyone was kung fu fighting.
Wants body to look a certain way… eats three cookies, mac ‘n cheese, the kitchen sink, and a small neighbor child.
When driving in season, check twice for Snowbirds.
I Googled “cigarette lighter” and got 150,000 matches.
“You’re still a rockstar,” I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and climb into bed at 9:45pm.
