We know that laughter triggers healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. That’s why we include random funnies from around town and around the internet… these should give you that smiling boost you’re looking for.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
Three out of four voices in my head want to sleep… the other one wants to know if penguins have knees.
I finally did it! I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles… no more forgetting why I walked into a room!
Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like little gasoline thieves.
A good 25% of being an attorney is explaining to clients why their court appearance won’t be like Law & Order but still making the “dun-dun” sound so the illusion remains.
I wish I were the person I believed I could be when I bought all of this produce.
I just deleted a friend for posting “Jobs should higher you weather you have a fella knee or a mister meaner.”
Not to brag or anything but when I get naked in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.
“I” before “E” except when your foreign neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
Never trust a train. They have loco motives.
I hate having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a really disgusted stare from my seat on the couch.
So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently that’s not acceptable in bowling.
I came. I saw. I forgot why I came into this room. I retraced my steps and got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea where I am and I have to pee.
I never said you were stupid, but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi and you asked if I was talking about the state or the river, it just kind of caught me off guard.
Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people. We haven’t met yet.
Coworkers are like Christmas lights… they hang together, half of them don’t work, and the other half aren’t so bright.
Whoever invented “knock-knock” jokes should be a No-Bell prize.
I miss very few things about being young, but the ability to sneeze without injuring myself is a big one.
Posed nude for an art class tonight. They didn’t ask me to and I think they were just making ceramic bowls.
I burned 2000 calories today … That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
In Florida we salt margaritas, not sidewalks.
If you eat cookies fast enough, your Fitbit will think you are running.
I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex… Someday I’m going to be awesome!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband had the flu, my dad said, “have you tried euthanasia?” From the other room my mom yelled, “for the last time… it’s echinacea!”
I’m so old I remember when hashtags were called pound signs. And before that, we played tic-tac-toe on them.
Son: What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?
Me: Well, that’s your Uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains since it was always his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. I never got why.
Son: Maybe so he could be Frank in Stein?
Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed when you burned them.
Them: What inspires you to get out of bed in the morning? Me: My bladder mostly.
The other day in class the professor asked if we’ve ever heard of Pavlov’s dog. I said, “it rings a bell.” Only one person laughed.
So a guy gave his friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
One day you’re 23, staying up until 3am, eating pizza, and dancing like no one is watching. Then suddenly you’re 45, eating kale, going to be at 1 0pm, and you can’t dance because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.
A 350 credit score prevents identity theft.
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled a woman across the aisle from him leaned over and asked him, “are all of these children yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.