We know that laughter triggers healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. That’s why we include random funnies from around town and around the internet… these should give you that smiling boost you’re looking for.
When I asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
I love that “take out” can mean food, dating, and murder.
My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid: “It’s the most expensive one you can buy. It cost $4,000.” Mom: What kind is it?
Grandma: It’s 4:15pm
It would be super awkward if your pet went on your phone and saw all the photos of them sleeping.
Once you are past 30, birthdays aren’t important unless they end in a 5 or a 0.
Nightmares are so weird. Your brain is the author, viewer, and cinema of a horror movies whose script is being written as you are viewing it.
The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.
Tom Cruise succeeded six times in a row and they still think the mission is impossible.
Loving me is like biting into an oatmeal raisin cookie and realizing it’s chocolate chip and then realizing two hours later that it was also an edible.
If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?
Humans invented machines to skip efforts and then invented gyms to make up for the efforts they skipped.
Being naked with shoes on feels more naked than being naked.
You can’t run through a campground. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
Vegetable soup is the winter version of salad.
The only time a procrastinator cleans his house is when he is given something else to do.
Having to blow out all the candles on your birthday cake in one blow to make your wish come true is emblematic of how dreams are harder to accomplish when you are older.
If you say “hawks” backwards, you get the sound they make.
“I” before “E” except after “C” is disproved by science.
It’s 3am, can’t sleep, and all I can think about is ”I’d like to learn one of those African clicking languages because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.”
Exercise? I thought you said “extra fries!”
Who was the first person to look inside an oyster and think, “Hmmm … that big piece of snot looks delicious!”
My therapist told me to “write letters to the people you hate and then burn them.” I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters.
Whatever you do, always give 100%… unless you are donating blood.
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the heck out of them until the light comes on.
Imagine going to a restaurant, ordering a burger, and when you take a bite a huge metal spike stabs you in the cheek and drags you into outer space. Being a fish must be terrifying.
“Help me! I am trapped
In a Haiku factory.
Save me before they…”
It’s remarkable that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom… until those colors are flashing behind you when you drive.
Did you know that if your parachute doesn’t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it?
I keep getting mail addressed to “small business owner.” I don’t think they need to bring my height into it. Seems a little insensitive to me.
I just sat in the shower for an hour thinking about how Mercedes has three E’s, all pronounced differently.
These edibles aren’t working. Two hours later: “Woman accidentally joins search party looking for herself.”
It’s all fun and games until your metabolism slows down.
Why is phonetic not spelled the way it sounds?