We know that laughter triggers healthy physical and emotional changes in the body. That’s why we include random funnies from around town and around the internet… these should give you that smiling boost you’re looking for.
Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.
The 5 symptoms of laziness:
1.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger and asked, “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How do you know that I am not a serial killer?” I told him that the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical.
Sometimes I spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like, ”I’ve got nothing, man!”
Traced my family tree. Apparently it grew nuts and was pretty shady.
When you are dead, you do not know that you are dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you are stupid.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Does anyone else feel like sometimes life is a lot like trying to fold a fitted sheet?
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
I heard you like bad boys … well, I’m eating red sauce in a white shirt.
Once you have seen a woman take off her bra without removing her shirt, it makes more sense why they should be in charge of things.
A friend of mine just got fired from his job selling computer parts. He lost his drive.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 tabs are open. Three of them are frozen. And I have no idea where the music is coming from.
A lot of people are still alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
*Job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Want to hear a joke? Serving size: one cookie.
Remember when you were little and you’d fall on the trampoline and everyone would just keep jumping so you couldn’t get back up? That’s what adulthood is like.
Some people become doctors or lawyers and I just spent 18 minutes trying to pry open a pistachio.
I can’t get out of bed. My FitBit is charging and my steps won’t count.
“Just saw a bumper sticker that completely changed my belief system.” – said no one ever.
You never realize how long a minute is until you’re exercising.
How many Lowe’s would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s?
The devil came to me one night and whispered, “Your not strong enough to make it through life:’ So I answered back, “You’re:’
I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.
Ten years ago today I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny.
We should start referring to “age” as “levels:’ Level 84 sounds more badass than just being an old person.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club: You don’t talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out that I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
How much does a pirate pay for ear piercings? A buck an ear.
Dragons can’t blow out the candles on their birthday cakes.
I hate people who say “never say never:’ I mean, you just said never twice. How am I supposed to trust you?
I would be the first person to die in a horror movie. I refuse to spend my last few minutes running. Screw that.
I just lost my mood ring. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
Did a little self-diagnosing on WebMD and it turns out that I’ve been dead since 2006.
